You Don’t Have To Know

My friend is thinking about going back to school. Graduate school, to be precise, for a degree in a field that is different from the one in which she currently works. She feels called. Compelled. Drawn. But she also feels nervous. Conflicted. Scared.

She has a family, including kids who are approaching college age. She has a career in which she is established. She has patterns and routines, and is, overall, comfortable. This endeavor would affect every aspect of that. But the idea of starting over, of becoming more, of following this growing passion… it’s strong.

The question she keeps coming back to every time we talk is “how do I know?”

How do I know which decision is right for me? For my family? For my kids?

How do I know if this new career path is worth the upheaval that the journey will cause?

How do I know I’ll be any good at something so different? So new?

Being her friend, I want to support her dreams. And I also want to be honest.

So I answer her honestly.

The truth is, you don’t know.

The bigger truth, the one that no one really wants to tell, is that no one ever truly does. 

There are so many decision points in our lives, so many big changes that we make at all of the ages and stages we flow through. From marriage to jobs to where to live and whether to have children… we are all fed this idea that we will know what to do. That we will know when to do it. That when the time is right, when the decision is right, that we will just… know.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think it’s actually that easy. 

You see, there are things that I know. And there are things that I don’t. And there is a huge spectrum in between those two. There are things that I know that I know and things that I don’t know that I know. Things that I know that I don’t know and also things that I don’t know that I don’t know. On top of that, there are things that I think that I know, or think that I don’t know. And the cycle continues.

Sound confusing?

Good because it is pretty much the most honest way I can try to explain this. 

I “knew” that I would go to college straight out of high school. How did I know this? Because it’s just what everyone did. It was what was expected of me.

Hold on. Is that really knowing? Because looking back on it, even though that decision worked out well for me, it doesn’t actually feel like it was a decision made from knowing.

I “knew” what kind of parent I wanted to be. And then I had kids. And that taught me that I actually didn’t know anything about that. That I needed to learn with each child how to be not just the parent I wanted to be, but the parent that they each needed. And that “knowing” had nothing to do with it.

So the question really isn’t “how do I know?” when it comes to these big life changes.  Because the answer to that is “you don’t.” We can’t know for sure which decision is right or best, for us or for anyone else, no matter how much we know, know we know, or think we know.

So back to my friend. With this big decision. How does she know what to do?

She doesn’t. And I can’t decide for her.

But maybe I can help her reframe her question. Not “how do I know?” but maybe “how do I feel?”

I don’t know what my friend will choose. But I do know this - whichever decision she makes, it won’t be wrong. She’s asking the right questions, following her heart, and she’s brave enough - and strong enough - to let the knowing follow the feeling.