Writer’s Block

Okay, I am going to give you a peek behind the curtain here. A glimpse of what this week’s blog writing process has looked like.

Step one: scroll through the iPhone note that I constantly add thoughts to. Quotes from friends, songs, podcasts… whenever a word, sentence or idea activates something in me, I try to jot it down in that running note for future inspiration.

Step two: reject every single one of those ideas, telling myself I don’t have enough insight yet to turn them into a full post that anyone in their right mind would want to read.

Step three: open a blank google doc and stare at it for… let’s just say a while.

Step four: try some stream of consciousness writing. Whatever thoughts pop into my head. Whatever random thought spirals have been living rent free in my brain recently. Whatever song lyrics have been replaying on repeat.

Step five: realize that none of this feels right and, in frustration, select all and DELETE, then shut the laptop lid, promising myself I’ll come back to it later, that the words will come, and that I’ll figure it all out.

Now… I'll be completely honest… this is not wholly uncommon for me. And usually it works out fine (I mean… you tell me…). But this week, something was different.

This week, this process became a loop. And I couldn’t seem to make it stop.

Every idea felt wrong. Every word felt forced. Every thought in my head felt unoriginal, uninspired, or even inauthentic.

This week, I was blocked.

And when I realized that, when I understood the depth of it, instead of throwing in the towel, I reset that as my base. Okay, I’m blocked. My words aren’t coming, and those that are aren’t working. Where is this coming from?

Take a step back. What else is going on?

Because, if I’m honest, it’s not only writing that has me blocked. I have found myself struggling to concentrate fully on… well… anything.

I sit down to read and can’t get past a few pages, no matter how much I want to know what happens next. I pull out my yarn and hook to crochet, but can’t seem to make it more than a few rows before putting it down. I put on an episode of the show that I’ve been watching, but press pause within five minutes.

Blocked. My words, my attention, my energy.

Writer’s block can be the result of any of a number of things - stress, fatigue, self doubt, perfectionism, distraction… and I’ve honestly been struggling with all of that and more. The news is full of fear, anger, and downright evil. Even our entertainment depicts chaos, violence, and loss. I mean, my “escapes” from the horror of the news were reading and Netflix, only to realize that the book I was reading this week was a historical fiction novel about the struggles of the Great Depression and the Dust Bowl, and the show I was watching this week was a documentary about racism and intolerance. Fictionalized versions of what I’m seeing in the world around me, basically.

And that’s when I put the pieces together.

The world around us right now… is a lot.

And we are seeing it absolutely everywhere. On the news, in the books we read, on the faces of our friends and family also trying to navigate life in an oversaturated, undersupported society. It’s not just me, it’s everywhere. And it’s everyone. We’re all overwhelmed. We’re all tired. We are all running on fumes, our resources severely depleted. We’re all sad and scared and trying our best.

So this week, rather than try to write something that sounds neat or polished, I’m coming to you from exactly where I am at this moment. A place I think more of us are than are willing to share. I’m overwhelmed. But I’m trying. I’m blocked, but I’m searching. And for now, that is enough.