The Right Fit
My first fitting did not go as planned. It had been over a year since I had stepped into my wedding dress, and I was so nervous that I was shaking while trying to get into my heels. Would it zip?
Nope…it would not. I felt the zipper stop a few includes from my upper back and my heart sank. Then, I said something that I am terribly embarrassed to admit:
“I would rather not let it out and just lose the weight instead”.
To the seamstress’ credit, she did not scold me. But as the words left my mouth, it felt like I was looking down on myself from above. The part of me that knew better shook her head. From that point on, the appointment felt useless. I felt too defeated to care that the sleeves weren’t working and that my veil felt ridiculous. I cried in the car on my way back to work. I know that I am far from the first bride to experience this and certainly won’t be the last. But I am not here to share a sin story; I am here to share the thought progression that followed.
As someone who struggles with body image and who is well-versed in the messaging that is rampant in the fitness world, I put a lot of effort into creating fitness spaces that do not focus on achieving a particular aesthetic or punishing our bodies. Yet there I was, looking in the mirror thinking, “maybe two workouts a day can fix this.”
How many times do we find ourselves treating certain events like beauty marathons? Weddings, reunions, family trips; nights out with friends or the first day at a new job—They can all feel like foreboding finish lines. And everyone is waiting in the stands to see if we put in the work.
It made me shudder to realize that that is truly where my fear lies. I am so worried that as I walked down the aisle people would think “What a pity that she didn’t bother to work on herself before such an important day.” The term “glow-up” gets thrown around a lot these days. There are a million videos promising the exact steps we need to completely transform our appearances “for the better.” They claim that it’s easy, and that a failure to do so is a sign of nothing but laziness. It is easier to see the nonsense in it all if we take a step back. After all, we would never talk to a friend that way! And yet, how easily we cave when it comes to looking inward.
You are not a project with a deadline. You do not owe anyone a transformation at anytime, nor is there moral value in people gasping about how much weight you lost or how much your skin is glowing. No one will know that I needed extra room in my dress except me. What they will know, and more importantly what I will know, is whether I feel like myself. Authenticity is always that right fit, and I am not interested in wearing a costume.