Unprepared
In five months, I will be moving somewhere new. Just seeing that sentence on paper brings up so many emotions. For the first time in adulthood, my life is about to change completely. And I am beginning to realize that there really isn’t a way to be “prepared” for what is to come.
In five months, I’ll be walking down the aisle toward the man I love more than anything in the world. I am incredibly lucky. But there are a lot of things that the rom coms leave out. Moving to a new city. Combining finances. Learning to live together. And, perhaps the hardest: being far from my friends and parted from the community that has become such an integral part of who I am. As it all draws closer, the biggest question I’ve had is this: how can I savor the moment now while in a constant state of preparation?
I haven’t found a perfect answer, and I have a sneaking suspicion that there isn’t one. But in the meantime, what I can offer is a window into some of the ways that I have been trying to harness this elusive balance.
1. Do It Tired
No…not that. I mean socializing! At this point in my life, I know myself well when it comes to my social battery. I know that regardless of the love I have for the people I’m with, or the amount of fun I have while doing so, I need alone time ti recover before I can show up as my best self again. That being said, I have, mindfully, been saying “yes” more often. I’ve been saying yes to, and making an effort to plan things with, the people closest to me. On the flip side, this has meant saying “no” more often to social events that I feel lukewarm about. Perhaps it sounds harsh, (though that is not my intention), but I have been working on being honest with myself about the heightened importance of cherishing the people who will continue to be by my side as my life shifts. The reality of the fact that my social circle will change is extremely bittersweet.
2. Honoring My (Physical) Space
I have lived with roommates and family as an adult, but I have never shared a space with a partner before. I am so excited to create a home with my fiancé, but I imagine it will come with challenges for both of us. I expect we’ll discover quirks we didn't know we had. One of us will load the dishwasher “wrong”. The other will be too particular about the way the living room is arranged. I’ve caught myself in a spiral about packing and preparing for the move so often that I have let my current space fall into chaos. After all, what’s the point of putting effort into my room now if it’s temporary? Well, I’m starting to see that the point I have been dismissing is that I deserve, and owe myself, a calm and peaceful space in this period before the transition. Otherwise, I’m living in nothing but a whirlwind of anxious anticipation. Perhaps remedying that will be this week’s project.
3. Let It Happen When It Happens
I grew up next door to cows and Amish buggies, which did not exactly prepare me for life in a city. I don’t know how to take the D.C. Metro without getting lost. I’m not particularly adept at making new friends. I have no idea where to start when it comes to changing my last name. I don’t yet know what it looks like for me to be a wife. What I do know is that I am doing myself a disservice by ruminating on questions that can only be answered through experience. Of course, it is wise and practical to plan ahead to a degree. But running through potential scenarios in my mind on a loop will only rob me of the goodness of the present.
What I have taken away from meditating on this is determination to treat the next few months as their own point in time. Yes, I am preparing for a significant shift. But life as it is in this moment is valuable in it’s own right. I am valuable as I am in this moment, independent of the wonderful things to come. So here’s so staying grounded in the not-so-in-between.