Love and its Many Masks

The mug of hot coffee that waits for me on the kitchen counter in the morning.

A text from a friend, “Hey, you’ve been quiet.  Just checking in on you.”

My dad saving an article for me from the New York Times, one he knew I needed to read.

My kids sharing pieces of their unfinished work.

Asking for help.

Never being made to feel bad for being late, or other faults.

A gift of my favorite chocolate.

Listening. 

Curiosity.

Interest.

A note of appreciation.

Saying sorry.

A piece of toast when I’m sick. 

Pancakes on Mother’s Day.

My husband reading all my blogs and telling me about all the books he’s read.

Being given the benefit of the doubt. 

A friend sharing something vulnerable.

Wanting to work through a difference of opinion because the relationship matters.

A lack of pressure to be anything other than who I am.

These all feel like love to me.  But only when I pay attention.  And allow it in.

Sometimes we forget what love can look like. We look for the big gestures, the grand acts.  While those can fill us in the moment, it is the quieter daily acts of connection and care that truly sustain us. 

Love isn’t always loud.  Love is in the small acts of noticing, sharing, kindness, even vulnerability.  Ones that allow us to feel seen, accepted, cared for, connected, trusted, important, and safe.

But we often forget to notice the signals of love that are offered in these small movements. 

Renowned relationship researchers and psychologists Drs. John & Julie Gottman found responses to “bids for connection” in partnerships predicted which couples would stay married versus those that divorced.  A bid for connection could be as simple as one partner calling out to the other, “look at that bird!’ or asking, “How was your day?”  

According to John Gottman:

“A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help.”

In the Gottman study of newly married couples, those who remained married 6-years later turned towards their partner’s bids 86% of the time, while couples who divorced within the six years turned towards only 33% of the time.  A dramatic impact for a small gesture.    

Noticing the quiet signals can make a difference, not just in our relationships, but in how much love we take in.  Do we notice that a friend sincerely asking about our day, or giving us space to show up as we are without judgement and pressure, or someone sharing a smile, or our child sharing their fears, are gifts of love? 

What if we paid attention, appreciated, and allowed all of it in?

How full and beloved would we feel?

The next time my husband interrupts my work to tell me random thoughts that pop into his head, I may just respond: “I love you too.”