Kindness: The Original Power Move
My husband and I just finished watching the third season of White Lotus. Yes, I know we are a tad late to the game, and no, I am not going to spoil the ending for you. The point I want to make is this: I felt initially dissatisfied until I realized the ending made a compelling statement about our search for happiness.
On a trip to Miami several years ago, I happened to connect with lovely a childhood friend. She invited me to join her and her group of friends for dinner. They were visiting from NYC and London for Art Basel. While I am generally not socially adventurous, I decided to go. We all met at an elite restaurant. Over the course of the dinner, I essentially had separate conversations with two of her friends in which each criticized the food and questioned me about why I lived in Pennsylvania. “I mean, NY has the best of everything…”
I was so appalled on so many levels. I wish I had been witty enough to quip back, but the words only came to me after I ran from that dinner as quickly as I possibly could. “Best by whose definition? And in NYC, best changes every few days…I’m not interested in spending my life chasing the new best thing.”
I feel we are all striving in some way to be happier and more fulfilled, and we tend to get pulled onto this hedonic cycle of chasing…thinking we will find it in amassing wealth, status, power, fame, popularity, pleasure, and material wants.
I’m not knocking comforts, I like being comfortable, and I do enjoy some nice things, but if I am being honest, the striving depresses me.
In fact, research shows beyond a certain level of comfort (specifically 75K worth), money (or things) does not buy happiness (Kahneman & Deaton, 2010).
In a New York Times piece published two days ago, Johnson, VanderWeele and Case (2025) discussed their soon to be released finding form the Global Flourishing Study which showed:
“Across the whole sample of 22 countries, the overall national composite flourishing actually decreased slightly as G.D.P. per capita rose...Most of the developed countries in the study reported less meaning, fewer and less satisfying relationships and communities, and fewer positive emotions than did their poorer counterparts. Most of the countries that reported high overall composite flourishing may not have been rich in economic terms, but they tended to be rich in friendships, marriages and community involvement — especially involvement in religious communities.”
So, beyond providing a basic level of safety, security and access, wealth (and all that comes with it) does not seem to be the essential ingredient for happiness and flourishing. However, we are starting to get a sense of what is.
Getting off the Hedonistic Treadmill; Try Kindness
In his 2015 TED talk, Robert Waldinger, the fourth steward of the longest-running wellness study in American history beginning in 1938 at Harvard, noted that much of the findings added up to one key insight: “The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period,”
The quality of our relationships is what matters most if we want to be happy.
So how do we deepen the quality of our relationships?
I am going to suggest we try one thing: kindness.
Kindness is a powerful social connector.
Helping others increases our oxytocin (the "love hormone"), which enhances trust, social bonding, connection, and group cohesion. Kind people tend to have stronger relationships and social networks. In fact, acts of kindness and altruism have been connected to robust positive outcomes.
Here is just some of the data:
Spending money on others or engaging in kind acts increases happiness by approximately 7% to 10%. It boosts our mood and leads to a higher sense of life satisfaction. Benefits can be immediate and may last for several weeks.
Altruistic behavior is linked to reduced depression & anxiety, as well improved physical health.
Acts of kindness and volunteering have positive health benefits as well, including lower stress markers (e.g. cortisol), better cardiovascular health, lower blood pressure, reduced inflammation, and a longer life span (Carnegie Mellon University, 2013).
Like eating a piece of chocolate or winning a prize, acts of kindness activate the reward centers of the brain, triggering the release of feel-good chemicals (e.g., dopamine) and creating a helper’s high. Doing good literally feels good.
Here is the best news; kindness is not only something we all have access to, but we are also evolutionarily and biologically wired to be kind.
For example, humans have neurological systems (mirror neurons) that make us naturally empathetic and inclined to help. When we observe someone in distress, the mirror neurons within our brain activate, causing us to experience similar feelings of distress akin to those triggered by the original event. Even infants show signs of empathy and preference for prosocial behavior further supporting the argument that we are wired for kindness.
Compassion and kindness ensured our place in community, and belonging to a community ensured our survival.
While it’s natural for us to be kind, life experiences and circumstances can sometimes disconnect or distract us from our natural empathy. However, we can retrain ourselves to become kinder by becoming aware of opportunities for, and engaging in, simple acts of kindness.
Build You Kindness Muscle
Level 1 Challenge: Here is a challenge I hope we can all try on this month: Do one intentional act of kindness each day. You can pick something small – holding a door, sending an appreciation text, paying for someone’s coffee behind you. If you keep a kindness journal to track them, you will begin to notice opportunities to be kind everywhere. Note how it shifts how you feel.
Level 2 Challenge: If you want to challenge yourself deeper, practice kindness in a way that can be a bit harder - through absolute presence and deep listening when with another person. The kindest and most transformational gift we can give to another is, I believe, our full attention. Want to push yourself a little more? Maybe do it with a person you disagree with, don’t naturally connect with, or are triggered by. Listen with openness and curiosity. Try to feel where they are coming from. Note how this shifts your own perspective and how you feel.
Final Thoughts:
In today’s fast-paced and high-pressure world, it’s easy to feel disconnected, constantly chasing after something to bring us fulfillment. We sprint on the hedonic treadmill, believing that pushing harder and moving faster will lead us to happiness. Yet, the true key to well-being already resides within us—a gift we’ve had since birth: our natural capacity for compassion and kindness. This deeply human quality is the gateway to deeper connection and genuine fulfillment, but we may need a moment to rediscover it.
Are you ready to step into this challenge today?
References:
Poulin, M. J., Brown, S. L., Dillard, A. J., & Smith, D. M. (2013). Giving to others and the association between stress and mortality. American Journal of Public Health, 103(9), 1649–1655. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.2012.300876
Johnson, J., VanderWeele, T. J., & Case, A. (2025, April 30). Happiness should be a key measure of economic development. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2025/04/30/opinion/happiness-economic-development.html
Kahneman, D., & Deaton, A. (2010). High income improves evaluation of life but not emotional well-being. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 107(38), 16489–16493. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1011492107
Waldinger, R. (2015, November). What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness [Video]. TED Conferences. https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good_life_lessons_from_the_longest_study_on_happiness